:: M squared T ::

:: Friday, June 27, 2003 ::

No more pager today

I don't get it back 'til Wednesday.

So in a week, I've had a load of stuff happen. But I think I'm learning. I'm too tired to write it down at this point, but I'll try to keep y'all posted. :)

Who's the chaplain for the chaplains?

:: Matt 6/27/2003 10:11:00 PM :: permalink :: comments (0) ::
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The Pager

I hate the pager. I really, really hate the pager. Let me count the ways:

1. I get paged for major trauma. Major trauma sucks. That sort of s---'s not s'posed to happen to people.

2. I get paged in the middle of the night. I'm freaking tired, folks, can't you tell? I had two all nighters over the weekend and now I've got the durn thing again until 8:00 AM (-05:00 GMT).

3. I'm not free to move around as I'd like or even cook dinner. I have to be ready to be at the hospital within 15 - 20 mins. of the page. It takes 10 to get there by car. No, I don't sleep in my clothes, but it's pushing it to get there on time if I get paged out while I'm asleep. I can't go anywhere loud, where I can't hear the durn thing.

4. I get non-emergency pages at strange times - like the middle of church.

What can I learn from this? A lot, I hope...

:: Matt 6/26/2003 05:47:00 PM :: permalink :: comments (0) ::
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On Call

Well, I had one quiet night on call last week. This night, so far, is different. I had my first Level 1 Trauma. Level 1 means the patient must be operated on within 15 minutes of arrival and must be seen by a trauma surgeon.

I did pretty well remembering what I was supposed to do. But theory really became practice tonight as the things we had discussed in our meetings had to be acted out. And the staff was very helpful. I was anxious, and kept double-checking what I needed to do. But they were patient with me. A trauma team is an amazing group to watch.

I think I'll be less anxious next time. The first one's always a bit exciting, they say.

:: Matt 6/21/2003 12:41:00 AM :: permalink :: comments (0) ::
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Preaching

I will be giving a sermon at University Baptist Church on Sunday, 29 June 2003 during the 11:00 AM service. E-mail for directions.

When I was forced into using the lectionary for text selection, I hated it. I was forced into wrestling with one of the four texts (OT, Psalm, NT Epistle & Gospel) selected by someone else. Now I'm having a heckofa time selecting one text out of the whole Bible. Ironic, eh?

How do people usually select texts when they preach intermittently, and as a "guest speaker"?

:: Matt 6/19/2003 09:43:00 PM :: permalink :: comments (0) ::
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Stress

It is very hard to help a family wrestle with bad medical news about a family member. I suppose that goes without saying.

Everyone wants to make meaning out of suffering. Everyone wants to find the way out of it or around it. Death is to be avoided at all costs. Pain is equated with evil.

There are few answers that make sense to the people in the crisis. We cannot answer many of their questions except with, "I don't know."

This is especially the case with "Why did God let this happen?" We may have the most airtight theology in the world on that point. But at the point of their pain, defense of God is senseless. Questions are often more rhetorical than anything else. And if we face it, we, too, the ones who supposedly have the answers, we ask the same questions and come up dry as well.

I've discovered I don't know why God does things. Other times I question whether God is the one acting to cause the situation.

I cannot read God's mind. Thanks be to God.

:: Matt 6/17/2003 10:34:00 PM :: permalink :: comments (0) ::
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Why do you want to be a pastor?

Somebody asked me this tonight. I had trouble answering.

Why?

None of the "Christian" answers would do in this conversation. The person who asked did not have a "Christian" vocabulary, so words like "call" were nonsensical.

My first surprise was that I couldn't communicate why I am training for church leadership to someone outside the church. I've been around Christians so much that I've lost my edge. Language of "serving God" and "transforming the church" - language I use often in Seminary and other Christian relationships - seemed irrelevant here.

My second surprise was how long it took me to come up with an answer - and where my mind went in that few seconds. I couldn't come up with a sensible answer - and I began to wonder if I had an answer at all. Somehow, "I just ended up here" (I'd already ruled out "God led me" as something that wouldn't make sense) just wasn't going to cut it.

I stumbled. I floundered. I fished for an answer. "I... I want to h-help p-people..." I squeaked. No, that wasn't going to work.

Somehow I managed to state a case of bettering people's lives by connecting them to Jesus - what he did/does and who he was/is. I was able to expand upon this and ended up having a great conversation. We talked a lot about Jesus - in the practical, day-to-day.

I need to learn a new language. And every language "thinks" differently. The language I need is the language of those around me.

Do you speak "non-Christian?"

:: Matt 6/15/2003 01:33:00 AM :: permalink :: comments (0) ::
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What I've been up to

I haven't been posting as much as I would like. Our new wireless connection has been really flaky the last week or so (ever since I got here). So sometimes I'll try to post, but it gets screwed up because the connection drops. If anyone has info. on how to troubleshoot wireless systems I'd appreciate it.

But the bad network isn't the only issue. I've been making a major adjustment to working in the hospital - a regular 8 to 5 job that has really changed the way I do business. I'm used to bein g a student and setting my own hours. I'm more tired at the end of the day than I expected. Pastoral care is harder work than people might imagine.

All in all, however, things are going well. I'm getting a good feel for how the hospital runs, and I'm getting to know patients and becoming more comfortable entering rooms and starting conversations. Due to federal regulations, I will not be able to post any stories from the day on this site (so as to protect privacy), but I will be able to post my reflections here. I hope to get into a more regular schedule next week after I've finished opening the boxes that still sit to my right as I type.

The peace of the Lord be always with you!

:: Matt 6/12/2003 09:06:00 PM :: permalink :: comments (0) ::
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It's so hard to leave sometimes...

Sunday was my last day at St. B's. I made the decision long ago to leave and to move on to the chaplaincy I am now in and to work alongside students in a campus ministry setting.

But it's still hard to leave.

I don't know what I'll miss the most. Perhaps it will be the high-church liturgy with all its accoutrements: colors, vestments, incense, the Sign of the Cross (especially at the Trinitarian Benediction - "And now may the blessing of God Almighty the Father, Son and Holy Spirit be with you and remain with you always. Amen"), excellence in music, or the beautiful words of the Eucharistic Prayer. There is something incredible about "Joining our voices with angels and archangels who forever sing this hymn to proclaim the glory of your name: Holy, holy, holy Lord God Almighty..." And calling down the Holy Spirit never ceases to give me the chills. ("Lord, we pray that in your goodness and mercy your Holy Spirit may descend upon us, and upon these gifts, sanctifying them and showing them to be holy gifts for your holy people, the bread of life and the cup of salvation, the Body and Blood of your Son Jesus Christ.")

Perhaps it will be the good-natured discussions held over points of theology. I will miss the shocked looks on people's faces when I step aside from the lectern and preach with a raised voice. Evidently, "I preach like a Baptist." I suppose I will miss the constant, mutual culture shock.

But I know what will be the most difficult: leaving the people. I will miss working with Fr. M---. It was good to be pushed to reflect on my theology in a host of ways. I will miss the choir; I will miss the people who sat near me during the Rite II service in the pew every week. I will miss the people whom I joined in working with the middle schoolers. I will miss the "Prayer Behind the Altar" crew.

I will definitely miss the youth: High School group, you blew me away. If it wasn't your ability to reference the Donatist Controversy in Bible study and apply it directly to the issue at hand, it certainly was your excitement at discovering what it means to live life "in God" and your intense joy in besting one another at "Pit" and "Chronology."

For a great 20 + months, thank you. For teaching me to worship anew, thank you. Thank you, God, for this great place and great opportunity.

And now, may the blessing of God Almighty the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit be with you and remain with you always. Amen.

:: Matt 6/09/2003 11:23:00 PM :: permalink :: comments (0) ::
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The New Job

I'm working as an intern chaplain in a local hospital this summer. It's part of my seminary curriculum, so there's a 6 credit class involved. I was assigned approximately 60 patients across 4 departments: Emergency (ED), Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU), Pediatrics (Peds), and InterMediate Care Unit (IMCU). I make rounds from 8 - 5 when I'm not in class and I'm on call once a week and two weekends out of the summer. I get to do my first rounds tomorrow.

So far it's going great. There are four full time chaplains and three students, including myself. It's a great bunch of people to work with. I think I'll learn a lot.

This is the first job where I've worn a tie every day. I don't plan to do that when I'm working with churches. When I was running some errands tonight I got stopped by three or four people who wanted me to help them find something in the store. They were horribly embarrassed when I told them I didn't work there.

Does that mean that hospital chaplains dress like retail managers?

:: Matt 6/05/2003 08:06:00 PM :: permalink :: comments (0) ::
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I'm ba-ack!!!

Well folks, it looks like I'm settled in (sort of). I got my internet connection set up today so now I'm back into the blogs. Can ya believe it's been almost a week?

I'm set up on a wireless network, which makes so much sense for our building, since it's not very wire-able. Good ol' DSL connection downstairs.

Now I can finish my paper that's due Saturday!

:: Matt 6/05/2003 07:55:00 PM :: permalink :: comments (0) ::
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